A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.
Right now, several billion people aren't dating you. How rude is that?
That tingly feeling you get when you meet someone you’re really attracted to? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. - Rita Rudner
Girls are like phones. They like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected.
Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well traveled, girls love it!"
Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."
Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Brag about your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
The top 50 reasons it’s great to be a guy:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
You can write your name in the snow quite a bit faster and more legibly.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
Foreplay is optional.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me”
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it’s in a water bottle.
People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift or food.
Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell you friends you’ve changed.
All your orgasms are real.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Adult movies are designed with your brain in mind.
You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different?”
There is always a game on somewhere.
What she really means:
Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I am sorry = you’ll be so sorry We need to talk = You’re in deep trouble Sure, go ahead = you better not Do what you want = you will pay for this later I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
What he really means:
I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = let’s have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex? May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love to a beautiful, young woman!
“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children!?! I’m leaving this house, I want a divorce!”
The husband, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened”
“Hummmmm, I don’t know, well it’ll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you”
The husband begins to tell his story:
“While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. She looked so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”
“The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Arrive naked... with beer.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking?
The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other."
The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Please feel free to post more jokes in the Comments!