JOKES ABOUT PHOTOGRAPHERS
Boxer can uglify you by one hand.
Photographer can uglify you by only one finger.
If you saw a drowning person and you were to choose between saving him or capturing the moment, what aperture will you use?
A photographer went to a dinner party where he showed many of his photographs.
The lady of the house said, those are very nice pictures, you must have a great camera. He said nothing, but when leaving for home offered the following compliment to the lady of the house "The meal was very nice, you must have great pots and pans."
Stranger: “That is beautiful child you have there.” Mother: “That’s nothing. You should see his photograph.”
A photographer took a self-portrait in a park. Due to lighting conditions he used the built in flash on the camera. He quickly got arrested for flashing and exposing himself in the park.
The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
A photographer goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, "You are a beautiful woman, and I'm a photographer, would you like to pose for me at my studio?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs: "NO, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and quietly says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which the photographer responds, at the top of his lungs: "What do you mean $200?"
Two photographers are talking in a bar. One notices the other's camera and says: "That's a nice one, where did you get that?" "A lady photographer and I went out for a walk in the woods last week. We were hoping to get some nice photos that morning. After an hour of walking she stops and takes off all her clothes, looks me in the eye and says: Take whatever you want!" "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Top ten reasons to date a photographer:
They work well in the dark
They’re used to funny smells
They make things develop
They work well on many settings
They know how to focus
They can make big things look small and small things look big
They work well from many different angles
They zoom in and out. And in and out and in and out and in and out…
They shoot in many different locations
They can find the beauty in anything